last night i had a dream that i was all alone in a field full of flowers. it was a beautiful place, not a thing in sight besides millions and millions of flowers. i could spin around in every direction and see nothing in the distance, just where the flowers met the sky. the sky was blue, as only montana skies can be. the flowers, yellow with red centers. i was elated with the feeling of being surrounded by so much beauty when i was suddenly struck with the feeling that i was utterly, and completely alone. my heart started aching and my stomach was in knots. i felt like there was a gaping hole in the middle of my chest and i started to cry and to beg for someone, anyone to come find me, to be with me so i wouldn't be so alone. and that was how i woke up... crying and screaming for someone to save me.
what does this mean? i was terrified when i woke up. the feeling of being alone is not something i like to feel. and for the rest of the day, i couldn't shake the feeling that i was on my own. you would think that when you are feeling alone, you would reach out to those close to you and explain to them what you're feeling. but for me it's the opposite. i withdraw even more when i'm feeling alone. how does that make any sense? i guess it doesn't.
what happens to other people when they feel this way? i have heard stories of people thinking there was nothing left for them, feeling totally alone, and that was when they found god, or what essentially a religion. when you feel all alone i think that finding someting to rely on and believe in is a welcome relief, and it makes sense to me why people have found salvation this way. but what about the people that doesnt happen to?
i suppose there are only a few options here. the person either learns to deal with their problems and emptiness and grows to rely only upon themselves. they stop seeking solace and comfort from others and learn to find it within. on the other end of the spectrum, some people probably reach out to their friends and family more than they ever have. drawing relief and strength from the people that love them. and still, other people decide not to deal with it at all, and they deny their feelings of lonliness by living day to day and refusing to confront it, or they confront it all at once and end the ability to feel anything at all...
i don't know if any of these things are totally healthy. certainly not killing yourself, or denying your feelings. but how is relying totally on others the right thing to do? and how could relying on NO one but yourself be healthy either? like everything else in life, i suppose this is a time when a balance must be found. if you shut out everyone else in your life, you lose the chance to gain different insights on your life and your problems. you lose the chance to open your eyes and mind to things that may never have occurred to you. and you lose the chance to learn to share your loves and passions with other people. and at the same time, if you open your heart to everyone else, and leave nothing for yourself, then you ruin your ability to love and support yourself. how can you share your love with others if you aren't sure how to love yourself first?
being alone is scary and shocking. but it forces us to make a decision about how to move on with our lives, or not to move on with it at all. being alone gives you the chance to grow and change. to be who you want to be, based on what no one else says. being alone may make us want to scream, and cry... but in the end it helps us learn how to save ourselves.
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