who am i?

earlier today i was having a discussion about introducing yourself to other people. when someone comes up to you and says, who are you? what the heck do you say? or if you are asked to introduce yourself, how do you do that? most people respond to that by stating their name, age, hometown, maybe discuss friends, family, significant others, pets, or sometimes your favorite thing to eat, see or do. but how much does that really say about you?

i could sit here and say, my name is sarah, im 19. i grew up in a small town in montana, and now im pursuing a double major in communications and philosophy at rocky mountain college in billings. i have great friends and a great family. i recently got out of a longerish term relationship. i have a younger sister and a dog. i like almost all foods, enjoy reading and love spending time outside. that gives you a basic view of me. but can you tell that im 19 and will turn 20 in december? that i'm excited about it but i think its crazy that im going to be that old, and out of my teenage years? i grew up in a town so small that i graduated with 21 kids, and half of them had been to school with me since kindergarden? that while my interests in school are very humanitarian now, at one time i wanted to be a dental hygenist? the longerish term relationship i just got out of was with a guy who lived 250 miles away from me? that my younger sister is actually taller than me and that my dog weighs almost as much as i do? or that while i enjoy reading, eating and being outside, my favorite thing is to do all of them at once?

no. you can't tell all that from the introduction i gave. and even all of those things, while they are important, still dont make up who i am as a person. and all of those things arent what i think are most important for people to know about me... but is it possible to introduce yourself and really explain something about who you are as a person? im not sure. maybe that is half the fun of meeting new people. is learning a little bit about them, and seeing who sparks your interest, and who doesnt. figuring out who to get to know more and how to go about it.

its probably not possible to really explain yourself in a brief introduction, but there is a way to portray yourself thats unique, and original. a way to help yourself stick in the minds of the people you meet. i honestly hope that the people i meet remember me, not just as 'that sarah girl' but as something more. maybe they have, and maybe they haven't... something to work towards.

some dreams really do come true

last night i had a dream that i was all alone in a field full of flowers. it was a beautiful place, not a thing in sight besides millions and millions of flowers. i could spin around in every direction and see nothing in the distance, just where the flowers met the sky. the sky was blue, as only montana skies can be. the flowers, yellow with red centers. i was elated with the feeling of being surrounded by so much beauty when i was suddenly struck with the feeling that i was utterly, and completely alone. my heart started aching and my stomach was in knots. i felt like there was a gaping hole in the middle of my chest and i started to cry and to beg for someone, anyone to come find me, to be with me so i wouldn't be so alone. and that was how i woke up... crying and screaming for someone to save me.

what does this mean? i was terrified when i woke up. the feeling of being alone is not something i like to feel. and for the rest of the day, i couldn't shake the feeling that i was on my own. you would think that when you are feeling alone, you would reach out to those close to you and explain to them what you're feeling. but for me it's the opposite. i withdraw even more when i'm feeling alone. how does that make any sense? i guess it doesn't.

what happens to other people when they feel this way? i have heard stories of people thinking there was nothing left for them, feeling totally alone, and that was when they found god, or what essentially a religion. when you feel all alone i think that finding someting to rely on and believe in is a welcome relief, and it makes sense to me why people have found salvation this way. but what about the people that doesnt happen to?

i suppose there are only a few options here. the person either learns to deal with their problems and emptiness and grows to rely only upon themselves. they stop seeking solace and comfort from others and learn to find it within. on the other end of the spectrum, some people probably reach out to their friends and family more than they ever have. drawing relief and strength from the people that love them. and still, other people decide not to deal with it at all, and they deny their feelings of lonliness by living day to day and refusing to confront it, or they confront it all at once and end the ability to feel anything at all...

i don't know if any of these things are totally healthy. certainly not killing yourself, or denying your feelings. but how is relying totally on others the right thing to do? and how could relying on NO one but yourself be healthy either? like everything else in life, i suppose this is a time when a balance must be found. if you shut out everyone else in your life, you lose the chance to gain different insights on your life and your problems. you lose the chance to open your eyes and mind to things that may never have occurred to you. and you lose the chance to learn to share your loves and passions with other people. and at the same time, if you open your heart to everyone else, and leave nothing for yourself, then you ruin your ability to love and support yourself. how can you share your love with others if you aren't sure how to love yourself first?

being alone is scary and shocking. but it forces us to make a decision about how to move on with our lives, or not to move on with it at all. being alone gives you the chance to grow and change. to be who you want to be, based on what no one else says. being alone may make us want to scream, and cry... but in the end it helps us learn how to save ourselves.

if you love someone...

if you love someone, let them go. if they dont come back to you, they were never yours to begin with....

how do you know that's true? if you really love someone, why would you let them go? shouldn't you fight for what you want? and how do you know when when something is worth fighthing for and when its not?everyone knows the feeling of love. we love our families, we love our friends, we love our significant others, we love ourselves. but how do you know when you love someone so much that you shouldn't let them leave your life?

to find a friend, a real true friend, is something special. you learn to love them and that is a bond that won't be broken by distance or time. a real friend is someone you should fight for, someone you shouldn't let go. family is the same. but you are already connected by love to your family when you're born. distance and time shouldn't matter with them either. but that doesn't mean you can let them go without a fight.

but how do you know when you should fight to keep the boy or girl you love? how do you decided when too far is too far, and when you should just. let. go. of course you have to let go to move on. but how do you know who to move on from and who to keep in your heart? i guess it depends on how you look at it, and what your feelings are about fate, or free will. if you belive in fate, you will say that you should let them go, and that if you are meant to come back to eachother you will. free will would say that its your choice, and that they way you react, or dont react, will decide what happens.

in my case, i love him. and i because of that, i will let him go. its impossible to hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held. if he wants to come back, he'll know where i am. until then i just live with the belief that whats meant to be will always find a way, and that if he never comes back, he was never mine in the first place...

Inspiration

for the first time in a long time i have been suddenly inspired to write. today i was walking back to the office from the coffee shop, and as i was walking on the sidewalk i crossed a part that wasn't shaded from the sun. i was struck by how amazing it felt just to have the warmth of the sun on my back. it was such a comforting, relaxing feeling i just wanted to stand there all day. something about that feeling made me want to plop down on the sidewalk with my chai and just sit there for awhile and enjoy the morning. at the same time i had the urge to write about it.

but write what, is the question. why did i feel like i should put that experience down on paper (or in this case on the internet)? i think sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life, its easy to overlook the little joys in life. the things that bring you back to center, and that allow you to just smile, even if it's only for a moment. does it matter that the moment can be over in a second, that it can fade as quickly as it began? that it's over almost before it started? no. what matters is that it happened, and you noticed. you smiled, you laughed, you glowed, you enjoyed that moment, that second in time.

if you let it, that one second can shape the rest of your day. remember to stop and enjoy the little things. let them seep into you and let them fill you up. let them wrap around you and cover you with warmth and comfort. let them affect your mood and let them mean something to you. take that extra second in your day to find something meaningful to you. inspiration comes in the oddest ways... but who are we to argue with what ignites our passions?

success

everyone says that they want to be successful in life. but what does that really mean? like, i want to die having had a successful happy life. how do you know if your life was successful? how do you know if you were truly happy?

i think that it is different for every person. if you want to measure your success by how much money you make, then so be it. and when you decide that you have made enough money then you will be happy... right? theoretically, yes. but not realistically. most people would say that happiness is about more than just money, and yet some people would say that money is happiness. does it really matter what everyone else thinks though? as long as you believe you really are happy and successful, then does anyone else's opinion matter?

i guess in some ways it does. i think as humans we will always be concerned with what other people think of us, no matter how much we say we dont. its the sad truth of the matter. so then, this just brings up another question. what makes someone else successful? consider times when you feel jealous or envious of other people. does that mean that you see them as being successful, and so you are jealous of what they have and what they have done? does that mean they are successful to you? and if they are successful to you, does that make them successful in general? and then once they are successful, does that mean they are then happy?in short, how will you ever know if you are successful or if you are truly happy? does it just dawn on you one day that the way you are living is making you happy, and that you have succeeded in life? im not sure. something to think about...